On Breaking-up and Such

Breaking-up is tough.

And even though every being is a “unique snowflake” (or so they claim), but the breaking up process is essentially and universally the same.

Gal: I need to talk to you.
Nice Guy: Sure! (Hoping Gal wants to profess her innermost feelings)
Nice Guy with Slightly Naughty Intentions: Sure! (Hoping Gal wants to profess her innermost feelings that will lead to a making out session)
Naughty Guy: Sure! (Hoping Gal wants to profess her innermost feelings, that will lead to wild, animalistic sex)
Gal: I’m breaking up with you.
Nice Guy, Nice Guy with Slightly Naughty intentions, Naughty Guy: WHAT???

Never mind the fact that the Gal hasn’t called them for the last 3 weeks, and all the calls that were initiated by them ended abruptly with the same lame excuse of sleepiness, and all messages sent were replied to after 3 days with “i just saw ur msg”, but all men’s typical reactions will be identical; utter shock and disbelief.

Gal: I have to go now. I have a [Insert according to age group: class/lecture/ meeting/ airplane to catch]
Nice Guy, Nice Guy with Slightly Naughty intentions, Naughty Guy: Wait!
Gal: Bye, I’ll call you..
Nice Guy, Nice Guy with Slightly Naughty intentions, Naughty Guy: ok
The Gal has already disappeared by now.
Nice Guy, Nice Guy with Slightly Naughty intentions, Naughty Guy: Please?

Unknowingly to the unfortunate trio, this will be the first of many “Please” s to come, that will be met with icy unpleasingness.

After going back home, the three stooges check their mobile phone every 5 minutes, make sure that it’s not turned off or put on silent. When it rings, they jump onto it, only to find it’s a wrong number or their best friends

Best Friend: Hey man, what’s up? Let’s hang out at the same place we hang out at everyday and do the same thing we do everyday?
Trio: I’m tired man, maybe some other day
Best Friend: We’ll have ice-cream
Trio(thinking to themselves): you know ice-cream would be helpful for my spirits!
Trio: Ok sure! Come pick me up.

Best Friend and The Three Blind Mice meet lots of old and new friends. The atmosphere is vivacious and filled with mirthful laughter and good times. The second that the About-To-Be- Officially-Broken-up-With guys begin to enjoy their time and forget about that nagging feeling in the back of their heads that their blissful existence as they know it is about to be eternally shattered..

The phone rings..

Trio (jumping out of their seats): Heeyyyy. Thanks for calling I thought that you’d never…listen, I was thinking, maybe we can work this out, please?
Gal: I’m sorry Trio, this isn’t working out for me, I need my space, I’m at a phase in my life where I need to be focused on [insert according to age group: studies, career, boyfriend (note this offer is valid only for Naughty Guy], children (note this offer is valid only for VERY Naughty Guy with Demented Directions], it’s just that I’m not sure about what I want in life.. yadda yadda…please don’t get hurt…I’m not worth it…it’s not you, it’s me.. blah blah blah..you deserve better than me..etc. etc.]
Trio: ummm, please?
Gal Demoted to Heartless Bitch: I need to go now. I’m sleepy. Bye

2 to 9 ignored SMS’s later containing lots of ‘plz’s that eventually derail to ‘fuk u bitch!’s and ‘am srry, tht msg wznt meant 4 u plz it wz 4 my cuzn’ they realize the sad reality of the situation as it is;

It’s over.

They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom.

Nice guy weeps in the locked toilet.
Nice guy with slightly Naughty Intentions stares at the sink.
Naughty guy smashes the mirror.

Breaking up is tough, everyone will tell you that. But what no one will tell you is that we are all, essentially and universally, part of the same big snowflake.

To be continued.


KJ said...

This is why I always keep Baby Oil in the bathroom.

Girls are so full of shit (girls, admit it, you are). They blame themselves for everything and then without warning they dump it all on us poor little dicktards and say it is our fault we were not listening.

No logic. Nada. None. Zippo. Ditto. Whatever.

Women need a reality check. Their hormones are uncontrollably all over the place and it ruins theirs lives completely.

My advice? Date someone who is long past menopause or go with a girl who is infatuated with videogames. You can never EVER go wrong with such a girl. A trip to the arcade resolves all problems.

*goes to bathroom, locates oil, emoty bottle, sits on sink, weeps*

7aki Fadi said...

“Gal Demoted to Heartless Bitch” ... lol ..

But listen expated, groveling brings the worst in women, there is nothing more annoying and unattractive to a woman more than a guy who grovels.

What will completely drive a woman crazy if she says to a guy ,” lets break up”, and the guy says “sure”... drives a girl crazy .. lol .. it does! It makes them think, “oh, he doesn't wanna be with me either, I wonder why, am I not good enough?” hurts the ego because although women hate being groveled over they kinda feel good to see a guy do it.

Anyhoo, cool post. can you write it from “Nice guy demoted to Jerk” point of view? Can you? can you? :D

Expated in Dubai said...

@kj, hehe, an upgrade from Nice Guy to Naughty Guy could solve your problems too, wouldn't know about girls who like video games just as much I wouldn't know about Dodos, extincy since the 19th century.
@7aki-fadi, I wish all guys would read your comment, it's the ugly truth of the psychology of break-up, guys when a girl comes to you and says "We need to talk" in a sombre tone, just say "No, thank you" and leave, turn off your mobile and pursue other chicks, that ought to drive them over the roof.
As for Nice guy "promoted" to Jerk, you'll have to wait for the 2nd part :)

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

EID: i know its not meant to be funny but in some rediculous way, it is! not the ha ha type of funny.. its the 'boom!-head-flies-into-space-and-blood-spurts-everywhere' kinda funny.. ok ok it was sad.. not pathetic sad, oh boy! shush already!

on a serious note, breakups are never easy, even if ur the one doing the break up.. whats worse, is if there was no proper closure.. just silly unfinished convos that lead to fights with no concrete reasons to why a relationship has to end..

Expated in Dubai said...

For a second there I was thrown off, what is EID? Isn't that like 3 months later or something..hehe
Actually PŕōuđPāŀĩ, the post was meant to be funny in a ridiculous way.. Otherwise, I couldn't agree more on the 2nd part of your comment..