On Misadventure No.5: The One Where I Almost Got Killed by an Iraqi Mad Man

This misadventure took place right after I deservedly earned my driving license and ventured to rent a car to assuage the humiliation of waving taxis who brush you off like you were a fly on a wall in Dubai summer heat.

I came back late one day, desperate to find a parking at 1 in the morning. Now I am wise enough to realize that I might just as well wish for aliens to abduct me and perform experimets on me than to find a decent parking after midnight. When I did find what seemed like a too-good-to-be-true parking, I stopped my car, shuffled home for a deep, guiltless sleep.

Events taking place at 7:23:46 AM the very next morning.
(Me and Friend walking towards the newly-rented car)
Friend: Why did you take us from the sandy road?
Me: We’re late man! (In my polite tone voice used to shut people up before the normal flow of nutrients and caffeiene runs its course in my veins)
As we walk we passed by an angry Iraqi man lining up some stones against the pavement.

Iraqi: God damn those people, blocking the parking entrance. Aren’t they ashamed of themselves? Damn them to Hell.

My friend stopped shortly, to find out what the man’s problem was.

Me: Yeah, yeah old man. Damn them sure!
Me (to friend): C’mon man, forget him. We’re already late.
(Seconds later)
I stood in complete and utter shock trying to digest the unbelievable spectacle lying a few meters in in front of me.
I blinked a few times, to see if it was the haziness, or me imagining things after last night's late arrival.

My rental car had all 4 doors wide-open, and an orange construction cone mounted on the ceiling as if my car was a dunce, forced to face the wall, and a scibbled note was patiently waiting for me to unfold it on the windshield.

Let’s just say the note didn’t have any nice words except “You”

History does repeat itself, except the wearing cones part.

Me: Fuck, what the hell is this?
A bespectacled, bald Egyptian guy and a Sudanese magically show up. When I say 'magically', I mean that one second there was no one there, the next they pop out of nowhere. The duo would have been completely comical and laughable under different circumstances. The scene was reminiscent of early Arab dreams of unity. There we were; a Jordanian, Egyptian, Sudanese and not so far away, an Iraqi, discussing the neighborhood affairs like politicians should. I hardly supressed the urge to chuckle, but the garveness of the situation stopped me short.

Egyptian: Lei ba2a? (Why?)
Me: Why what?
Egyptian: (Lei 3amalt kida?) Why did you do this?
Me: Why did I do what?
Egyptian: You blocked the entrance for the garage. All those cars can’t get out now. People want to get to work. (Waving to a horde of parked, immobile cars, with people looking out of the window, relieved to be able to finally move, and enraged to see the source of their inconvenience - me)
Me (in my head): Shit!!
Sleepy Sudanese: (Lei ya zoooowl? ) Yes man, why?
Egyptian: We called the police to remove your car. They came and blah blah blah, yadda yadda.

As I was explaining to the Egyptian that I had no clue whatsoever, the Iraqi came chasing after me, running towards me, picking up a rock to squash me to my shameful death.
Sami: Fuck man we're done! This is how it will end, in the hands of an Iraqi enraged mad man. Say your prayers quick!
Me (refusing to go away just yet, to my friend who was still in shock and stood motionless): Get in the fucking car quick.
Friend blanks out.
My friend snaps from his hypnosis and obliges.

Afterwards, all you can hear was the screeching of my tires skidding against the hot asphalt as I zoomed away through the narrow roads desperately dodging bystanders, looking behind my back for a black 4 wheel drive mounted by a fuming Iraqi.

When I knew I was safe on the highway, I started laughing hysterically, having known fully-well that I have got myself into yet another random misadventure, glad to be alive to retell it.


sara said...


I can't believe you didn't notice it was a garage opening?!!!!!

Come on, ya'ny it's already hard to find a parking lot, & when you find one, you wouldn't check twice on what it was?

Come on!

And oh my God! I would never talk to tyour chicken friend ever again! I hate it when people get so cold! They get the "ice box where their hearts used to be"!!!!

HamduliLLah ala salamtak.. And try to concentrate next time..


*runs to tell her parents of another funny story*

Desert Princess said...

hahahahaha, im still laughing!!! I can't believe you did that lol.. and I thought my driving escapades were bad but yours are QUALITY lol!!

hemlock said...

*rolls up sleeves*

but no seriously... uff!!! how COULD you?!?!?
how many drinks does it take to mistake a parking entrance for a parking spot =P
youve probably never been parked in... so you think it's funny =P but it wasnt half as funny as when the police called me on my cell to "please remove the car from someone's private parking spot". :D you know those annoying people who barracade parking with poles and chains?
*sigh* those were the days...
i might have deflated your tyres, broken the windshield wipers, and turned the side-view mirrors backwards.
how COULD you?

Expated in Dubai said...

@Sara, well in my defense it was my first day driving a car out. You must be telling your parents lots of funny stories lately that they are doubting who is this 'new friend' :P
@Desert Princess, well put in an Egyptian, Jordanian, Sudanese and Iraqi, and you'll DEFINITELY get quality, I'm telling you..
@Hemlock, aren't you over-reacting a little? And I assure that this took place during the Ramadan, so you can't blame it on my light-headedness..
But I'll make sure not to park any whereabouts you might be..Just let me know where that is :P

rosh said...

Damn! We all make mistakes, sorta annoying how people jump to instant conclusions. The Iraqi carminator could spare a thought, be a little patient. Anyhooo, am sure, the next time you spot a "too sweet to be true" parking spot you shall pay added attention and have doubts :)

Chillax bro, happens to all :)

Expated in Dubai said...

Ya I'm sure about that too.. Now when I park I run a quick checklist of the ability of all cars to get out without scratching my car, which is something you get used to when you're here..