On Random Misexcerpt from my not so Everyday Life

Picture this.

A jungle. A jungle buzzing with wild mosquitoes and vicious, blood-thirsty dragonflies. There’s lots of them that the minute you swat one away, a gang of its bullying friends come back to pick on you. There are elephants too. The big, hairy type, not the pink ones in your overactive imagination. Sulking heavily in circles. Trees among trees that you can’t see further than 5 meters. And a murky swamp, where the elephants like to cool off in the blazing summer heat.

No this isn’t an Indiana Jones movie (Tantarantan, tan ta taaaaan)

This is real life.

Ok ok you got me already. In real-life there is also professional Thai elephant riders, and lots of tourists from every corner of the world and a stand for cooling beverages sold at touristically-insane prices. And a stamp on your hand for riding the elephant. Yay!

The tourists ride on a comfy couch tied to the back of the elephant, as the Thai rider sits on its skull and “drives” the elephant using elaborate sounds of “Mei” like a goat and negs unto its skull.

Us Jordanians have an unfathomable if not illogical pride. We always want to show off that whatever thing professionally done can be inherently accomplished by us complete Jordanian novices because, well, we’re Jordanians.

So as other sissy tourists sit on their comfy couches with an umbrella struck upon their heads, me the brave Jordanian I am insisted that the Thai rider let me drive the elephant on my own using elaborate body language of pointing my fingers to the jungle and moving my index and middle finger in a walking motion.

Thai rider happily obliges. (5 minutes break off work, who wouldn’t?)

So I ride at the elephant’s skull. “Hey this is easy methinks. Har Har Har”. (I felt like being a pirate for 5 seconds) The skull somehow jabs into my left butt cheek with every left step the elephant takes, and to the right when it takes a right step. It was a titsy bit uncomfortable to say the least.

The rider disappears into the jungle.

Being the attractor of trouble and unhappy coincidences that I am, my elephant decides to make a slight change in its route out of the jungle path and caress a branch of greenness with its happy, swinging trunk.

Elephant stops.

Me: Emmmmm
Travel mate: Errrrr
Me: Emmmmm
Travel mate: Errrrr
Me: Emmmmm
Travel mate: Errrrr
Me: It’s not supposed to do that, right?
Travel mate: No!

I only started panicking when I remembered an article I read about elephants in “musth” Which is a state where some snot blocks the elephant’s brain and they go into a fit of rage because of the blinding headache it causes.

Me: I’m screwed! Biddy mama. (I want my mom)
I started humping its skull like the rider did and making goat noises.

Me: Meeeeiiii, meeeeeeiiii, mishan Allah meeeeeiiiii, Dear God Meeeeeiiiii .Move bitch!!! (slapping its empty skull repeatedly while still humping the head)

To no avail.

The toothless rider comes back beaming with an ear-to-ear smile and directs the elephant back on track.

Me and Travel Mate: Kuss ukhtak! (Fuck you)

The End

DISCLAIMER: No large mammals or Jordanian tourists or Thai riders were hurt in the production of this blog post.


KJ said...

You molest the poor mammal's head and then say no elephants were hurt! How dare you! 3an jad 2ordoni :P LoooooooooL

It would have been interesting if it went into fits :D

7aki Fadi said...

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA ... dear God this was funny ....lol....


“Me: I’m screwed! Biddy mama. (I want my mom)”

HAHAHAHHA ... biddi mama is my faviurtie phrase ... lol.


“Me: Meeeeiiii, meeeeeeiiii, mishan Allah meeeeeiiiii, Dear God Meeeeeiiiii .Move bitch!!! “

Maybe if you said ib3ard ukhtak meeeeiii he would have moved faster … lol

But the ending was priceless …LOL

So you went to Thailand? I went there toooooo and rode on the elephant . pretty cool eh? well if you let the guy drive...lol

Rambling Hal said...

7aki, I have a feeling he didn't go to Thailand at all. Nope, he ain't never been there. I have a feeling this is all a figment of his over active imagination coupled with intense boredom in the work place and the general out-of-this-worldiness of being in Dubai.

No wait...this all applies to me. Ok nevermind.

Mmmm....I do have a question thought. I've been to Thailand, but I didn't ride no elephants. I looked the elephant in the eye and conveyed a clear message to the huge ass freak: Bitch, stay away from me and you live.

So yeah I'm gonna shut up now.

7aki Fadi said...

lol hal :)

Expated in Dubai said...

@kj, molested it? The damn thing scarred me psychologically for life. From its point of view I was merely tickling it.

@7f, Now that I remember I actually did say "B3ard ukhtak mei" hehehe, Ya I enjoyed it too. Looking forward to riding an ostrich.

@Hal, I would post the pic of me with Jojo the baby elephant that is smarter than 60% of people I met. Except I know you would photoshop yourself into the pic and show it to everyone claiming that I'm your "cute boyfriend from Dubai" hehehe,
As for your question, I see no question mark :)

Rambling Hal said...

:D HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!! Ok you win. :)

Anonymous said...

had i rented one of the top comedy movies these days, i wouldnot have laughed my lungs out, like i did by reading this.....
thanx for the laugh...
peace to all..

Kinano said...

It's a classic Kodak Moment, wouldn't you say?! :D

Thanks for the good laugh..

Moral of the Story:
Mess with Mammals of your own size ;)


Expated in Dubai said...

@afaf, thanks :) Anyone from Dubai Media City read that? I can write movies, cartoon, series, whatever..hire me with an obscene salary and benefits!
@kinano hehehehehe, man you're the one who made me laugh! Kodak moment, I'll be using that line quite a lot from now on :P

rosh said...

Hillarious just goddamn hillarious!!! You rock EID :)

Am lauging my ass off!

Islamic ChoCoHoLic said...

i just wrote my elephant ride adventures in thailanD! laykono nafs il elephant! you know when they stop they usually want to take a leak! or well lets just use the biological terms so it sounds less nasty... they must let go of some buraaz.. ok still nasty..

but i love the way you write hahahahaha at a certain point i felt like i was driving that poor elephant..

Expated in Dubai said...

@ rosh, hehe thanks again man
@ it probably is, or more likely they all have the same lazy-ass attitude. I was happy my ignorance of the possibility that it was shitting while I was riding it. Thanks for ruining that :)