15.10.07

On Eid in Jordan and Such

This is what a typical Eid back in Jordan would look like for me

9:07 AM Wake up to the sound of endless fireworks whistling into the morning sky, and kids bang-banging each other to their fake deaths with their cheap, plastic gun toys. I fantasize about them using real guns. I yell at them from the warmth of my bed to shut the fuck up and get a life. The bang-bang continues.
9:10 AM I check my mobile and read 6 new messages which I skim through to see who is lifeless enough to send me a message in the brink of morning. Make a mental note to myself note note to hang out with those people.
9:12 AM Sleep
11:00 AM Sibling wakes me up to declare to my ignorance that today is the first day of the Eid. Thanks Dr. Phil. I really needed you to point that out for me. They continue to extort Eediye off of me (Eediye is a an amount of money given to younger members of the family as a present for Eid) I tell them to go away. They pick up my pants and find my wallet and skim through for any notes which they shove down their pockets and run away.
11:02 AM Sleep
12:20 PM Wake up. Mom and Dad eyeball me and await me to say “Happy Eid” to them and kiss their hands. I grumble something that resembles “Happy Eid”
12:25 Search fridge for edible scraps to be called breakfast, when my parents scream to me to close the fridge because we’ll be having a feast. I find leftover corn flakes and wolf it down.
12:30 PM Watch TV
12:32 PM Check email to see who is lifeless enough to send me an email in the brink of morning. Make a mental note to myself not to hang out with those people. (usually they are the same people who SMS'ed me)
12:34 PM Go back to watch TV or any newly bought 2-dollar DVD's from downtown Amman.
1:11 PM Father declares whatever I’m watching as crap and that Hollywood is a zionist institution and Jews control the world as he smokes his strawberry-flavoured shisha, grabs the remote and flips to Al-Jazeera to Abdul Bari Atwan declaring that Arab governments are crap, and that Hollywood is a zionist institution and that Jews control the world.
1:30 PM Feast begins
3:30 PM Feast ends
4:12 PM Family visit time. My parents come searching for me as I hide under my bed or behind a curtain (for real).
5:40 PM At family member's house I am drilled at what university I study in. I tell them I graduated 4 years ago. They ask me if I studied tawjihi (Jordanian high school) I tell them in order to study in university you need to have a tawjihi certificate in which they all respond to with an “ooooooooooooooh, he’s right” look. "That's the difference between people who finished their studies and people who didn't. See Ahmad what it's like to complete your tawjihi" Ahmad shoots me a hateful look from the end of the room. I can see him giving me the finger in his head.
6:52 PM Drill continues. They ask me if I work. In my head I tell them no I beg at the traffic lights, but all I say is “yes” and explain my job to them. They ask me when will I get married. In my head I tell them “tomorrow”. This time I indulge the sound in my head.
8:10 PM Hellish visit ends with shaking of hands and distribution of chocolates. Time to call up some friends who unlike me are free of any family strings and obligations.
9:33 PM Meet friends. Friends don’t know what to do.
11:12 PM Someone suggests ice-cream and for the first time, everyone agrees.
11:42 PM We find that people hiked from every corner of Jordan to eat the mythical 2 dollar ice-cream in Abdoun they heard all about as children. Guys are sulking heavily around like vultures, spitting seeds, gawking at the girls allowed to wear make-up and skirts for their first times since a year ago. Hey, it’s Eid after all.
11:50 PM Friends stare at each other and at the passing girls.
12:19 AM I suggest cards. Venue and participants are discussed.
1:07 AM Cards are shuffled, shishas positioned, embers fanned and juices sipped.
3:14 AM Someone is declared an asshole for dropping the King of Hearts so early within the game. Cards are thrown on his laughing face. Someone else swears by all known and unknown deities that this will be the last time they ever play cards with the group of assholes we are.
3:17 AM Cards are shuffled again as another round starts with unchanged players.
4:21 AM Come back home, draw down the shutters, eat leftover sweets hidden for tomorrow’s visitors. And sleep till mid afternoon the next day
11: 09 AM Sibling wakes me up again to declare that today is the 2nd day of Eid and extort more Eediye off of me. Thanks Dr. Phil. I needed you to point that out for me.

Happy Belated Mushroom Eid everyone

PS I know it's a cheesy joke but it cracks me up everytime. Mushrooms are funny.

11 comments:

sara said...

"girls allowed to wear make-up and skirts for their first times since a year ago. Hey, it’s Eid after all."

I believe that you should consider writing a book, booklet, or even a bunch of sheets & try to get the "nowadays living human beings" to read them & see more of the details that they're too busy (blind) to see..

Go Sami!

I seriously wish people would be able to see again!

With respect,

7aki Fadi said...

Your dad reminds me of my father in law. We would be watching an American show or whatever and we would be blessed with his commentary through out the whole thing, and he is LOUD, we could barely hear the movie or show ...just the other day he said" Shoof shoof, shuuuuu haaaaaaaaaaadaaaaaaaaaaa, yeh yeh yeh, allah yi2ta3hom. Bush is a coward and TFEH 3alaih, this is America for you" We were watching 40 year old virgin, I still don’t know what Bush and America had to do with it lol. He goes on and on and on We gave up watching anything now if he is there ...LOL.

And LOL at hide under your bed or behind hte curtain.

Happy Eid Mr EID

KJ said...

3eed embarak 7abboub.. you spent it in DXB this time right? Slept as much as you want and without endless family obligations

Expated in Dubai said...

@sara, I wouldn't mind..Anyone out there wanna give me book contract yet? :)
@7aki fadi, all dads are essentially the same, happy eid to you too
@kj, Eid mbarak to you too. Yeah I slept as much as I want, but I did the endless family obligations. We become what we hate :)

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

as usual, i remember to check ur posts bil maktab and end up laffing my arse off like an idiot w my colleagues yanzorooli shazaran! lol

happy belated eid :D thanks Dr Phil for pointing that out! lol cracked me up!

Expated in Dubai said...

I should put a warning sign somewhere not to read my blog in the office since it causes embarassment and an acute temperature rise. Happy belated Eid to you too.

Kinano said...

"Someone is declared an asshole for dropping the King of Hearts so early within the game. Cards are thrown on his laughing face. Someone else swears by all known and unknown deities that this will be the last time they ever play cards with the group of assholes we are."

That is a universal scene in all Tricks game in all ages past, present and future. Usually I am the one being blasted at with atrocities :P

Mushrooms are funny, particularly belated ones ;)

Happy Eid!

Expated in Dubai said...

akh man, that's probably the only thing I miss about Amman; dusk till dawn rounds of Tricks sharakeh. Any expats in Dubai up for a game?
Or two?
Maybe more :)

inmotion said...

jesus what is it about men and card games .. arabs .. americans .. canadians .. tarneeb poker leekha arba3miyye .. tricks .. gin rummy .. 7 card stud .. I mean .. has the role of men in society dwindled so much as providers you guys need to resort to card games to reclaim lost fame and other manifestations of manhood?

I kid :D

7aki fadi - you're married - weigh in .. whats your husband do when he's out with the boys?

Expated in Dubai said...

Hehe, don't get all Dr. Phil on me yet..Yeah 7aki weigh in..Or allow me first..
I think women will never understand the need of us men to retreat every week or so to play cards or video games just like we don't understand your need to shop every other day..
I'll tell you the reason: it is because we are tired of our role as providers and need reminders of why is it we need you women after all..hehehehe

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