On Families and Such

Families are complex. Not only that; families are awkward, complex, agitating, irritating and sometimes I wish I could scrap off my family name and live in an island alone with no internet or network coverage, hanging in my bathing suit and flip-flops, drinking coconut milk and working on my tan.

Don’t blame me yet, hear me out.

My family stars a variety of comedy characters that are common within most families, probably yours too.

The over-bearing, lonely relative. This person is above 50 and the family still have hope of hooking him up. He still believes I am a 12-year old who enjoys spending away his coins on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at the nearest arcade like there’s no tomorrow.

Over-bearing, lonely relative: Where were you?
Me: Friend (Note that I rarely mouth more than a monosyllable, otherwise the topic sure as hell will propel out of everyone’s control, and I will be declared a Satanist, homosexual, introvert, rude, erm, you get the picture)
Over-bearing relative: What friend?
Sami: The fucking friend I sleep with
Of course all I say is: Friend from Jordan
Half a conversation later conclusions are drawn that my friend is a notorious drug-dealer stashing whores somewhere in his apartment and I should stay away from him.

I must be a more exciting person than I give credit for.

The needy-female. This person needs a companion in whatever she does. God forbid she goes anywhere alone or does anything without stringing an army of hapless bozos along carrying her hefty, brown shopping bags in the faint hope of gaining her acceptance unknowing that she already has a puppet boyfriend and 2 backups eagerly waiting their turn back home. This model comes free with endless shopping sprees, a pink cell phone glued to her ear and long, long waits at the stifling parking.

Needy Female(widely smiling, flicking long eyelashes up and down): Samiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Me: Akalna khara (we’re screwed)
(Me looking at the ceiling, making a nonchalant whistle): Wow, the painting of the ceiling looks really nice.
Needy Female: Hehe, Sami you silly thing. Listen, can you drive me tomorrow to Sharjah/Abu Dhabi/Al-Ain/ The dresser? The mall? I need to get my nails done/ Shop till I drop.

A loud whisper that evolves to a bellowing echo goes repeatedly "No, no, no" But Needy Female has done her homework and is much smarter and conniving than most people give her credit for. I take a quick peek at the gathering of gossiping moms, girls and men awaiting my repsonse. I mutely whisper..
Me(weeping inside): Sure.

The Godfather. The Godfather comes with an army of teenage, whiskered relatives acting as cocky bodyguards, proving their worth and manhood to the family, and more importantly to the needy females of the family. One is holding his wrinkled hand, slowly marching him above the step of the house, the other swarms inside, dusts the couch, fixes a pillow, opens a window, and happy to bark orders for the first time in the day, demands a cup of cold water.

Godfather: *Cough cough*
All eyes fall on me, especially the two bodyguards who are eagerly salivating for the moment to see me crack under pressure, and hence render me as an uncompeting nuance. My dad eyeballs the kitchen and makes a cup gesture.
Me: Whaaa?

Needles to say I am very deft in family politics and my parents are very proud of me.

Parent (irritated to make a long-distance phone call): Sami what the hell did you do? Word reached us that...
Me and Sami: Yeah, whatever. Yawn, toz.

Families are complex. That’s how families are. Yours, mine, everyone else's. Deal with it, get over it, because only God knows that life without them would be an endless, lonesome bore.