On Weddings and Such

Weddings are the most complex social setting in which any person can be. And you’d think that things would be different in Dubai, but apparently they are universally the same.

Let me paint a picture for you.

Children lying on the dance floor wailing, chasing each other with flowers while their mothers run after them to lock them in their baby trolleys, though the wedding invitation card clearly states in bolded font that they should be in bed by now, girls posing with each other for pictures, then not too long afterwards end up badmouthing and shooting each other hateful glances depending on who ends up dancing with the most eligible bachelor, (usually me), and boys ogling the lady guests who are looking amazingly beautiful like they never thought they could be.

It is no secret that I become my biggest jackass during weddings.

Me: Yeah, that’s nice. A little to the left, now smile. No wider a bigger smile. Ok now give me your nicest model look.
Girl smiles so hard that you feel her dress is about to burst.
I flip the camera, smile my biggest smile and photograph myself.
Me: Here you go. This looks nicer. Ha ha (walking away)

Kids are also fun to hang with and toy around with. They’re too damn cute with their tiny outfits and white dresses so as not to annoy them.

Me: Ok kids. 1…2…3… CHHEEEESE
Me: Ok kids let’s make this a little more fun. Let’s do some gangster signs
Kids look baffled at me and the leader of the group for explanation.
Me: Ok just do this with your fingers (Making “W” signs with free hand)
Kids oblige.
Me: Ok say WEESSS’ SIDE!!
Me: hehehe. Ok whatever (snapping a couple of pics)

Just as the guests start to fret around waiting for the bride and groom to make their grand entrance, the bride and groom make their grand entrance. The cheesy first dance starts with Bryan Adams or Richard Marx singing some bullshit song of how eternal and inevitable love is.

And I thought they only met twice before getting engaged.. But hey, who am I to judge?

People get up, people dance, people huddle around the bride and groom, the groom’s father dances like an ass, the groom’s mom dances like an ass. Circles are formed to dance dabke on a Fares Karam song, Nancy Ajram hollers some cheesy yet inevitably cute dance song.

Finally, the buffet, just as stomachs are staring to groan and legs starting to ache. The best timing to mingle and hit on new people and let new people hit on you.

Girl carrying a plate with a pickle and a loaf of bread.
Me: Yum, yum. Pickle sandwich, my favorite.
Girl: hehehehehe
The after-buffet phase is the best. Things become hot and heated, with everyone dancing like an ass, the songs much more intense, the movement much more deliberate and sensual.

Till the lights come out, and the bride and groom nervously dismiss the guests.

Happy mating.


Al Ramahi said...

Now I know why you didn't come to my wedding :P

KJ said...

I am going to have a naked wedding. Bring your cam ;)

inmotion said...

i wanted to say you sound like your schizophrenic but then I saw that you already said it about yourself ..

and come on so they chose richard marx .. its not like JT had a suitable wedding song .. but by the sounds of it I wouldn't be surprised if you had them play sweet child of mine at your wedding haha

hemlock said...

ive been stalking your blog for a while now. do you have ANY clue of how funny you are?
no wait... i think you do.
hmm. i suppose my job is done then.
you should post more often. i rarely have any work to do.

Kinano said...

You forgot the boooze effect :P

asoom said...

I'm hiring security guards whose sole purpose will be to ensure there will be no children present at my wedding.

I'm not even kidding, kids seriously have the ability to ruin EVERYTHING!

Expated in Dubai said...

@Al ramahi, yes that was because I was establishing myself in Dubai. I wish I could've made it
@kj, can't wait..I'll bring my naked self
@inmotion, better to know your own faults than let someone point them out, wouldn't you agree? No I'm thinking of having Timbaland's "The way I are" as my wedding song. A dueto sort of thing.
@hemlock, I would post more often but I feel that would diminish the quality of posts :P But really, lately, I've been having tons of work to do.
@kinano, I didn't forget it. It was implied :)
@Asoom, I think you're exaggerating. Kids are great. It's the adults who ruin everything for them.

Anonymous said...

I'm still going through your blog...you are one hellll of a comedy show!

Expated in Dubai said...

Yep, I guess I am. You should see my real shows :)

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